Any constructive critism and positive feedback is greatly appreciated………………………………
Hair, passable; make up not too caked makes me look a bit more alive… But bloody hell this uniform makes me look so huge. “Hurry up Livvy! You have to go or you will miss the train!” It’s my first day at St James this posh school in Covent Garden. “I’m coming mum!” I take a quick glance in the mirror and run down stairs almost tripping over our rabbit crispy, she lives in the house and always gets under everyone’s feet. I give mum a quick kiss on the cheek before my sister Yvonne and I run out the door and down the front steps. We take train number 12 which should take us to Covent Garden station; it’s really crowded with people going off to do their business for the day. All around me are high school kids in St James’ uniform; I’m looking around trying to spot my cousin Frankie. The train finally pulls up at the station and my sister and I get out and walk up to the street. The school isn’t hard to find it’s directly across the road. My sister spots a girl she knows and runs off leaving me alone facing my new life by myself. I take a deep breath and cross the road.
“Olivia Baker?” My teacher is calling out the roll, “Here!” Frankie gives me a reassuring smile. The teacher introduces herself as Mrs Jamison, she introduces me to the class, my heart is pounding so hard it feels as if it’s going to come out my mouth! Of course the teacher makes me stand in front of the whole class and talk about myself so i very quickly mumble some quick words about moving to London and stumble back to my chair cursing myself in my mind for being so shy. The first two lessons go pretty fast Frankie’s friends come over to where Frankie and i are sitting and introduce themselves. Everyone seems nice and I gradually start opening up a bit. None of us do our work and Mr Farkworlsh yells at the class with a thick Swedish accent. Frankie and i burst into fits of giggles causing a chorus of laughter coming from the whole room. Now Frankie and i are standing outside still giggling while Mr Farkworlsh paces in front of us until we quiet down. He tells us off and sends us back into the room everyone is smiling at us and giggling and one of the guys winks at Frankie. The bell rings and we all rush out of the room in a storm of rowdy year nines. It seems that school isn’t going to be as bad as I thought…
Frankie, Ash, Lilac, Pia and I are sitting on a bench looking across the soccer field; the soccer team is practising they are all really toned and muscular but not really my type. I like sweet musical guys that care about me and aren’t in love with themselves.
Ok thats it so far what should happen next do you think? And how old do you think i am looking at my writing… thanks xx
thanks guys im almost 15 by the way haha that was interesting seeing peoples suggestions at my age! haha i guess i am pretty immature…. thanks x
Ok so th eplot is she is going to fall in love with a nerd and they have a bit of a thing happening then she wil want to be poplular so she gets an eating disorder bulemia and becomes slutty, she will have sex with radnms etc then a climax at the end to make her realise how badly shes changed and yeah cant give it all away but someone dies….
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s good, but I agree that it is a bit rushed. Try lengthening this story out a bit, showing what happened during the day. We need to be able to bond with the characters, and you haven’t given enough time to. You’ve described the characters, like her sister: who chooses friends over family; Frankie: who is kind and helpful; and the main character: who is nervous and likes sweet guys, but it isn’t enough for us to get to know them.
And I know this is the beginning of the story and we’re not supposed to bond with the characters that quickly, but already most of the day has passed, so I suggest you lengthen the events a little and gradually show us character (not too much, since it’s only the beginning)
And as for the ‘show, don’t tell’, I would have to agree in this case. It would definitely improve your story.
Also, don’t forget to capitalize your I’s!
Here is a link to help you improve writing: =)
http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/index.shtml
All in all, it was pretty good, I’d say it could be a preteen book. And yeah, I would’ve said you were around 14, 15.
I’m going to guess what happens, though: she falls in love with a soccer player? =)
Edit: Oh, she falls in love with a nerd haha? That was actually unexpected.
I’d guess you are 11 or 12 – nobody any older than that asks this question.
The main thing you need to do here is apply "show, not tell". This is a mass of telling.
I like sweet musical guys that care about me and aren’t in love with themselves.
Everyone seems nice and I gradually start opening up a bit.
it’s really crowded
The school isn’t hard to find
My sister spots a girl she knows
Don’t tell us she sees a girl she knows, have her stop, shout and wave and so on.
Don’t tell us it isn’t hard to find, have her come out of the station worried about finding it and there’s the sign right opposite.
Don’t tell us everyone seems nice, have some people do and say nice things.
That would also help with the fact you’ve covered most of a day in about 300 words so far – it’s desperately rushed at the moment.
Keep writing!
Apart from some grammar mistakes, which probably happened when you copied and pasted it on to the question, i think its good. (:
Not sure about what should happen next, but the way its going now sounds really interesting.
One quick question though, is it going to be a novel or short story?
Hope that helped. (:
P.s. as for your age, id say 15, 16?
(im really sorry if thats not right, haha)
it has potental hun, more of a 12-14 ish range
pick up a grammer book work on your sentence structure and paragraph forms it’ll make it easer for the reader to understand what your writing.
imagery is lovely once you get past all that.
cant tell you what i think will happen next, im not shure where you truly want to go with this… sorry.
Difficult to tell your age. Not judging by the fact that you’ve spelt and punctuated this piece correctly, apart from not starting dialogue on a new line but that’s a quirk of the publishing industry.
On the other hand you’ve used a lower case ‘i’ where you should have used a capital. That’s a sign of texting too much.
I’m sorry to say that your content is pretty mediocre. Teenage school stuff is rather passe now and this is little better than average.
What you need to do is focus on the reason for writing this story. What is it going to be about? A new kid at school isn’t going to hack it for most readers. The drama is missing, this is just a diary of events.
Your first couple of lines should capture the reader’s imagination and make them want to read on. Maybe something like:
‘Dread. So real I feel like throwing up on the carpet. A new start that’s going to be as bad as I imagine? Scary. I can’t stop my hands from shaking and applying too much pan stick.’
It may not be where you want to take your story but it gives you an idea of what you should be aiming to achieve.
You need to construct a plot arc. Status quo, Trigger, where something happens, Action, your MC reacts to the trigger, Surprise, something gets in the way, Choice, your MC has to make a decision, Climax, that decision has consequences, Reversal, a bigger problem arises, Conclusion, the ending, happy ever after or not.
Building tension and drama is the mainstay of any story and any story must be about conflict of one sort or another.
Hope this is helpful and sorry I couldn’t be more complimentary.
Ed.